Pinot Noir
by Blood Dark Sun
Summary: An ongoing series of one-shots about the Crane brothers.
1. Pinot Noir

"Niles."

"Yes, Frasier?" Niles tripped delicately across the living room, carefully avoiding That Chair.

"Let's go out and get drunk. For twenty-four hours straight. Take a voice recorder and make notes of every single thing we say, and then come home and transcribe it for posterity." Frasier chuckled a little. Niles would never agree.

"Drinking for twenty-four hours straight? Are you mad? Don't you remember what happened last time I had more than two glasses of Pinot Noir?" With a horrified expression, the younger brother rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"Yes, you ignoramus, I do remember, which is why I suggested it! I thought Maris might like to have the transcript, since she wasn't with us in Cape Hatteras_._" He waggled his eyebrows mischievously.

"Do not, I repeat, do not bring up that wild party in Cape Hatteras, please." Niles paced back and forth. "And you know that Maris gets terrible headaches at the thought of me drinking." He covered his eyes with one hand.

Frasier sighed. "Oh, I know, I know. Far be it from me to want to have a little fun with my brother, without any bimbos along." He watched Niles carefully, with a smirk.

"Daphne's not a bimbo," Niles said, predictably.

"You're so predictable. I don't want to go drinking with Daphne!"

"Why not? I bet she'd be an amusing companion."

Frasier snorted. "Yes. She's so amusing that last time we went out, she drank me under the table, took my wallet, and left me in the bar!"

"You've gone drinking with _Daphne_?" Niles' voice was reverent. "Was it – was it wonderful?"

Frasier's face contorted into such a grimace that he was beginning to get a migraine. "Niles, how wonderful can it be when a woman outdrinks you and leaves you defenseless in the middle of a downtown bar called 'Sid's Beer Barrel'?" He shuddered. "I refuse to go drinking with Daphne again."

"You're a party pooper. I refuse to go drinking _without_ her." Niles put his nose in the air.

"Fine."

"Fine."

The two brothers scowled at each other until their father arrived. "Hi, boys. Just wanted to let you know I'm going out tonight." He scooped up his wallet and jacket eagerly. "Daphne and I are going to go to Sid's Beer Barrel! I love that place!"

Niles came over and collapsed next to Frasier on the couch. "Open the Pinot Noir, Frasier. I feel a migraine coming on."

…

_Just a goofy little brotherly love. I was surprised to see there is not one fanfic with Niles and Frasier as the main characters._


	2. Sibling Rivalry

**Sibling Rivalry.**

"This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and today's topic is Sibling Rivalry. Got a problem with a sibling? I'm here to help. And our first caller is – on the air! I'm listening." Frasier sat back and smiled at the telephone.

"Good morning, Dr. Crane," a rather nasally voice responded.

"Having trouble with a sister or brother?" Frasier asked with a little smirk. That voice sounded _exactly_ like the fake voice Niles used when he was trying to get away with something. Hah! He'd get some advice about siblings, all right. Frasier sat up straighter.

The caller coughed. "Indeed I am. My pest of a brother is always making me feel inadequate. I can never seem to get the better of him."

"You're kidding! I find that hard to believe. I mean, that anyone could blame his brother for his inadequacies." He covered the microphone and snorted, rolling his eyes.

"The point here, _Doctor_ Crane," the voice whined, "is that he is always making me feel like the inept younger brother! I have tried talking to countless _professionals,_" and here the caller cleared his throat significantly, "but despite all the topnotch advice I've been given, he refuses to understand and take me seriously as an equal." The caller coughed once again.

"Well, what you're describing is not, technically, a case of sibling rivalry," Frasier pointed out, his inner pedant unable to let that one by. "However, my best guess for your situation is to simply admit that your brother is wiser, and that he knows exactly how to treat you as you deserve." Smug, he leaned back in the chair. That would teach Niles to try to make a fool of him on the air.

"That's not very helpful advice," the caller replied. "You don't really seem to have a grasp of what the problem is."

"On the contrary! I believe I have an expert grasp of this particular problem," Frasier grinned, "being both a counselor _and_ an older brother myself. In fact, my idiotic young friend, you – "

Just then Roz knocked on the window. When Frasier looked up, he saw Niles standing in the booth with her. He waved pleasantly before realizing that the caller was still on the air. Whoops! "Hello? Hello? Caller?"

"Go to hell, Doctor Crane," the caller said, before slamming down the phone.

Frasier sank his head into his hands. "We'll be back in just a minute," he moaned into the microphone and went to a commercial break.

When he looked at Roz's booth again, Bulldog was there; Niles was slipping a twenty into the sports man's hand with a grin. "Niles!" Frasier yelled. "What are you doing?"

Bulldog grinned at them both. "Who's wiser now, Doc?" he whined in a nasally voice. He flapped the twenty in Frasier's face, and he and Niles left the booth, guffawing.

…

_I might as well just make this story a collection of one-shots instead of starting a new story every time. Hope you liked it. I haven't watched the show in a long time but I just put it in my Netflix queue for a refresher._

_The story title may change over time._


	3. A Jab at Niles

**A Jab at Niles.**

Niles listened in rising horror to the message Frasier had left on his answering machine.

"Hello, Niles. I'm here in the living room with Daphne. We're about to try something together, and I'm a little nervous. Never done it before, not with a woman. So I thought I'd call and talk to you while we're doing it. I know you're not there, but I thought it would be easier for me to speak to your answering machine than to suffer in silence."

He was using his slow, low 'sexy voice'! Why would he be doing that?

Frasier cleared his throat. "Daphne? Daphne, are you coming?"

"Right here, Doctor Crane. Got my rubber gloves on and everything."

"Good, good. Clean hands are important for something like this."

"Frasier, what are you doing to that poor girl?" Niles moaned to the machine.

"Now, how do you want to do this?" Daphne's dulcet tones sounded clearly on the recording.

"Oh, I think it's easiest for you if I just bend over the back of the sofa."

Eh? Niles by now was petrified.

"All right, then, drop your trousers, Doctor, and we'll get on with it."

"Aah!" Niles put a fist to his mouth, but couldn't stop listening to the recording.

"Haha," Frasier laughed crazily, and Niles could swear he heard the jangle of his brother's belt buckle. "I've never taken it this way before."

"Ooh, Doctor Crane!" Daphne chortled. "Been a while since I've seen such a firm derriere." There was the sound of a slap. Niles, still listening, covered his face with his hands.

"Well, you know, I do try to stay trim."

Hah, Frasier had gone from 'sexy voice' to 'pompous oaf.' Whatever he was doing to Daphne, she'd certainly catch that, and stop doing it!

"Now, where's the implement?" she asked efficiently.

Implement? _Implement?_ Frasier was going to allow her to – to – "Aah!" Niles cried out again, wringing his hands theatrically. Still unable to stop listening.

"In the velvet pouch," Frasier told her.

That was his _smug_ voice. That nasty old man! Niles felt a deep sense of righteousness. _He_ would never subject the angelic, pure Daphne to such sordid –

"My goodness, Doctor, that's a big one. Are you sure you can take it?"

"Oh, yes, Daphne. Give it to me."

"If you insist. Do you want me to stick it in all the way?"

Her voice was entirely too cheerful! Niles screamed at the phone. Luckily Maris was not home at the moment.

"Yes, I think you'd better. Just shove it right in there. Here, let me bend over a little further."

"Brace yourself," Daphne said, and then Niles heard a yelp and a scream from his brother that dwindled to a dribbling whimper, and then the message cut off.

Niles had to get over there. This was an outrage. Frasier was a maniac who needed to be locked up! Poor, unsullied Daphne, being forced to deal with this sort of thing!

He leaped into the car and drove to Frasier's place, gibbering to himself all the way there.

…

When Frasier answered the door he had his playful, nasty-to-Niles face on, but it immediately changed to the look of a guilty man in pain. This time he used his 'somber voice.' "Hello, Niles. Come in. Daphne and I were just – ow – sitting down with drinks. Well, Daphne is sitting. I can't – ow – can't quite bring myself to sit down yet. Can I get you something?"

"Absolutely not, you fiend."

"Fiend? Niles, what are you talking about?" Frasier shut the door and took Niles' coat, hanging it up. When he turned back, he had his playful face on again, though it seemed forced, to his agitated brother.

Daphne was on the sofa, calmly sipping a glass of Pinot Noir. "Daphne, Daphne! Are you all right?" Niles asked her hurriedly. She seemed perfectly fine.

"Of course I'm all right, Doctor Crane. Why, do I look ill or something?" She frowned and glanced down at her bosom, making him hyperventilate.

"Ah – ah – " Maybe she didn't know that Evil Frasier had been broadcasting their illicit tryst onto his answering machine? "You're feeling fine? I know you had to 'help' Frasier with something today," he muttered darkly, cutting his eyes to his brother, who was grinning like a fool.

"Oh, _that_," she laughed. "That's not a big deal. I do it all the time! Usually for your father, of course."

"My _father_?" Niles collapsed onto the sofa. "You do that for my father?" He gave Frasier the nastiest look he could manage; Frasier winked at him. Oh, the audacity!

"Of course I do. I do it for a lot of people."

Niles could only croak inarticulately.

"I used to do it for old Mrs. Barr all the time," she added.

"Uh?"

Daphne drank some more; Frasier stood by, still giving Niles that nasty grin. "Yes, she was always having to bend over and take it," Daphne told them.

Niles was extremely glad he wasn't drinking, or he would have sprayed it all over her chest. "Wh- wh- " But he couldn't go on. Instead he turned his attention to his brother and scowled. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Oh, I am, I am. I'm ashamed that I had gotten to the point where I needed Daphne to – ah – assist me," Frasier confessed. Then he _blew him a kiss!_ The absolute _fiend!_ Niles couldn't think of a noun strong enough to express his extreme displeasure.

Daphne smiled at Frasier, entirely too intimately, it seemed to the agitated Niles. "Don't be so silly, Doctor Crane. You know I'm a trained professional."

Niles' head swiveled back to her; his eyes bugged out. "You what?"

Oblivious to his complete astonishment, his rising blush, she finished her glass of wine and set it on the coffee table before addressing Frasier again. "I just hope the penicillin does its job in your system, Doctor Crane. That was the biggest syringe I've ever seen in my entire career as a caregiver!"


End file.
